


Off kilter

by ToxicPineapple



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: (Not the Saimota), (Shuichi crushes on a lot of people ok), 5+1 Things, Abandonment Issues, Angst, Background Amatoujo, Background Tsumangie, Calming down from a panic attack, Chapter Specific Warnings At The Beginning Of Each Chapter, Crushes, Crying, Depression, Heavy Angst, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, I was in Storyflight brain while I was writing this what can I say, Kaito is struggling, Lots of Crying, M/M, Most minor characters appear in chapter two, Not too heavy, Overworking, Panic Attacks, Shuichi crushes on too many people to tag but it's a lot ok, Stress, This was gonna be fluff but I'm like physically incapable of that so here we are, depressive episodes, kind of, unrequited crushes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-02
Updated: 2020-03-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:27:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22985563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToxicPineapple/pseuds/ToxicPineapple
Summary: “Whatever. Any story worth telling has a little bit of tragedy to it.”“No, I don’t think that’s right…” Shuichi laces his fingers together, busies himself staring at his hands so he doesn’t have to meet Kaito’s gaze. “I don’t think sadness is a prerequisite to a story being worthwhile. I think that more hinges on… on who the protagonist is.”Kaito looks at him for a moment, and then smiles. “You’re a bit better with words than you give yourself credit for, y’know.”---The five times that Shuichi cried in front of Kaito plus the one time Kaito cried in front of him.
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s), Momota Kaito/Saihara Shuichi
Comments: 52
Kudos: 145





	1. Training

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warnings: shuichi IS having an episode in this one. even if he doesn't realise it.

Training has, consistently, been Shuichi’s favourite time of day since he started attending Hope’s Peak Academy.

There’s something awfully relaxing about it, despite the fact that he spends a good amount of his time while training in some kind of pain. Prior to coming to Hope’s Peak, Shuichi didn’t see a very good reason to exercise regularly, so he never did. (Kaito would probably call that the reason why he’s so mopey all the time, and, well, he may have a point there.) He’s lousy at pretty much everything Kaito has him do. He nearly passed out the first time Kaito had him do a hundred sit ups.

But it’s… it feels really overwhelmingly good, the burn in his muscles after he finishes. The way oxygen tastes when he slumps down into the grass and rolls onto his back, breathing heavily and staring up at the stars.

Well, alright. It’s not like he can really see the stars; too much light pollution piled on top of the regular old pollution from all the fossil fuel use in Japan… yeah, the view of the night sky isn’t all that great from out in the courtyard. Regardless, Shuichi likes to look up at the sky anyway. On the clear nights it’s a solid shade of dark blue. An occasional star will shine through the pollution and he’ll stare at it until he goes cross eyed, wondering what it looks like to lie down under the stars where there are no street lights and no factories, just wet grass underneath his back and a cool wind on his face. He imagines that it would be somewhat crowded up there. But breathtaking too. He’s seen pictures of the real night sky before.

Training is nice because of Kaito and Maki too, of course-- they’re his best friends. Kaito more than Maki, at times, but she’s been there for him in ways he hasn’t even realised he could expect from other people. And sometimes one of their classmates will be causing a ruckus, disrupting the period or generally causing mayhem, and she’ll meet his gaze from across the room and exaggerate a sigh. She’s funny in a really understated way and it makes Shuichi sad that he didn’t notice sooner.

As for Kaito, well… he’s just… yeah. Shuichi really wishes that he didn’t get crushes on people so quickly. Or that he lost crushes more quickly. Or that he could be like, demiromantic or something, and stop having to deal with this every four seconds.

At any rate, Shuichi’s gone to training every night since his first week at the academy. Even when he got sick for a couple of days back in May (though Kaito admittedly didn’t push him very hard during those sessions.) It’s been a while since Kaito’s had to come to his room to grab him for training. He’s pretty good at taking the initiative in that area, since he likes training, and all. Shuichi’s always struggled with motivation, and it’s no easier psyching himself up to do even things that he  _ likes  _ doing, but training has always felt like an easy thing for him. He doesn’t exactly look  _ forward  _ to his lungs burning and his muscles aching, but he looks forward to the satisfaction that kicks in afterwards.

(And sometimes Kaito will pat him on the shoulder, beaming, and say something stupid, like,  _ Good job, sidekick!  _ and Shuichi will be brutally reminded that he’s touch starved and weak to praise from people he’s inclined towards. Why does Kaito have to be his type?)

Tonight, though, Shuichi finds himself still in bed when his alarm goes off, letting him know he has fifteen minutes to get out from under the covers and head down to the courtyard. In theory, it should be pretty easy to swing. Just, like, get up. Put shoes on. Head outside and to the courtyard. Kaito is probably already there, and Maki will show up right before training is actually supposed to start, and they’ll crack a couple jokes and get to work. It’s an easy, comfortable time.

Shuichi’s just feeling kind of sluggish, is all. Perhaps sluggish is the wrong word. It’s difficult to describe. He’s been feeling this way all day, though, like he’s been in some kind of trance, and at lunch while he was listening to his friends talking he felt a strange tightness in his chest, like he was going to cry. Shuichi’s somewhat prone to depressive episodes, but this doesn’t feel like one. He’s been able to put one foot in front of the other all day. Sure, he didn’t eat anything at lunch and he hasn’t left his bed since he returned here at the end of the class day, but he doesn’t feel like sluggishness is a something that really characterises an  _ episode.  _ At least not in any primary or defining way. Which is definitely how he’d describe what he’s feeling right now.

He should still go to training. The easiest way to miss out on a lot of sessions of a thing is to miss out on one, and Kaito will probably be disappointed in him if he doesn’t show. If it was just Maki it would probably be okay-- she’s not the kind of person to wait around for a person for a really long time, and she doesn’t hold grudges either for the most part. She’d probably just shoot him a text and make sure he’s fine before letting it go. But Kaito’s kind of… different, in that he really believes in… Shuichi.

  
And usually the belief feels really nice. It’s really, really nice to have someone believe in him. Just right now it feels kind of overwhelming, is all.

He wants to go, though. To training. See his friends. Get his blood pumping and all. It’s supposed to be a clear night. Kaito’s more perceptive than he lets on, so perhaps he’ll even notice how Shuichi’s feeling and let him get away with not training quite as hard as usual. Or maybe he’ll work him even harder and distract from the sluggish, deadened feeling. Whichever solution Kaito comes up with, it’ll probably be fine… Kaito’s good at these kinds of things.

It’s entirely inadvertent, but Shuichi ends up losing track of time as he lies under his comforter and tries to talk himself into getting out of bed. His phone screen flickers off automatically and he lets it slump down against his rib cage, tilting back his head and gazing up at the ceiling. It’s getting pretty dumb by now. Training started a few minutes ago. They’re both waiting for him.

There’s a heater in the corner of Shuichi’s room. He listens to its hum for a while. It kind of feels like he’s not a part of his own body.

His eyes close, unconsciously, and he doesn’t register that he’s even begun to doze off until his doorbell rings. Once, and then several times, suggesting that there’s only one person it could be standing outside. Shuichi feels a lump forming in his throat, which is stupid so he swallows it down. Of course, Kaito would come and check on him. It’s pretty typical for Kaito to come to his door every time he takes even a little while longer than usual getting ready. And now Shuichi just straight up hasn’t even gotten out of bed.

Now that he has a good, more pressing reason to, he finds the energy to swing his legs off the bed and pad over to the door. He doesn’t have shoes on and his hair is a mess. He threw off his hat onto the floor when he returned to his room several hours ago, so Kaito’s going to see his stupid cowlick, the one that his aunt used to try tirelessly to get to sit down but eventually had to resign herself to the fact that it’s simply doomed to stick up like it does.

The doorknob is cool underneath his hand. Shuichi untwists the locks and turns the knob.

Kaito smells vaguely like aftershave.

“Momota,” Shuichi says, quickly, just as Kaito opens his mouth to say something. (Shuichi looks down, at his feet. Kaito’s wearing slippers like always. Maki said once that he doesn’t know how to tie his shoelaces.) “I’m sorry, I meant to be down there, I just--” it isn’t that he wants to lie, it’s just that the truth sounds so stupid. Who would buy that he just couldn’t get out of bed? It sounds like a flimsy excuse for his laziness. Kaito especially wouldn’t understand. It’s not even a depression thing, it’s just a stupid thing. Shuichi bites the inside of his cheek.

“Don’t sweat it, man,” Kaito replies dismissively when he doesn’t continue, waving a hand. “Training’s cancelled.”

“Huh?” Shuichi finds it in himself to look up, meet Kaito’s gaze. Poorly masked concern. Shuichi kind of hates being able to read people most times. It’s just a troublesome ability that comes with troublesome implications. Knowing the truth is painful and tedious. Kaito’s an open book, though. It doesn’t take some kind of master detective to know what he’s thinking. Right now his lips are set odd, like he’s trying not to frown and failing. A far cry from his usual encouraging grin. Shuichi misses that smile. “What do you mean?”

“Uh,” Kaito considers his question for a moment. “I dunno, didn’t really feel like training today.” He shrugs. Shuichi gets the distinct impression that this is not the reason why Kaito cancelled. He  _ always  _ feels like training. It’s a prominent character trait of his; this underlying overzealousness about everything he does. Just this morning he and Tenko were preparing to throw down. “Don’t quote me on it, a’ight? It’s not like you can just go around cancelling practice every time you don’t feel up to it-- that’s a shit work ethic! But, y’know, today just didn’t have the right energy?”

“The right energy?” Shuichi repeats quietly. (Weakly.)

“Uh-huh. The kind of thing only someone like Kaito Momota would be able to pick up on, y’know? So I don’t blame you for not predicting it.” Kaito grins, except it’s less of a grin and more of a gentle smile, and Shuichi realises in the corner of his mind the  _ real  _ reason why Kaito cancelled training. He probably noticed Shuichi’s sluggishness throughout the day. Maybe interpreted it as a depressive episode. Maybe that’s what it is. His stomach twists.

He should be relieved, truthfully-- the fact that they’re not training today means that Shuichi doesn’t have to worry about leaving his room or forcing himself to interact with other people. He doesn’t even have to feel bad about not doing so in the first place. He can just relax a bit. Unfortunately he’s never been very good at that, relaxing that is, and with that aside…

“Woah, Shuichi,” Kaito sounds surprised-- or maybe alarmed? Shuichi’s a bit distracted, it’s hard to tell. “You don’t need to cry over it, it’s just training,” he frowns now, deep and creased into his expression, and Shuichi feels guilty for making Kaito make that face.

“Sorry,” he manages, reaching up to wipe at the couple tears that managed to make their way down his face. This is stupid. He didn’t even realise he was crying. The backs of his hands come away wet and he feels off kilter. Wrong and unbalanced. He wishes that Kaito would leave so that he can cry alone. (And yet being alone right now feels unbearable for reasons he can’t articulate and doesn’t want to.) “I-- You don’t have to lie, Momota, I know it’s because I--” he covers his eyes with a hand, hoping perhaps to hide the tears that won’t stop falling even though Kaito’s already seen them.

(Has Shuichi ever cried in front of him before? Doesn’t he think it’s unmanly? Will Kaito think less of him after this? His lips taste salty when he licks them.)

Shuichi tries to say something else but his voice catches in his throat, and so he finds himself pretty much stuck. One of Kaito’s hands rests itself on his shoulder. Warm and steadying. Shuichi presses his hand harder against his eyes, but Kaito’s hand is more of an anchor than the pain is to him right now.

“What’s going on, Shuichi?” He asks, softly. “Harumaki noticed that something was wrong too but she didn’t want to overwhelm you by coming with me. Did something happen?”

No. Shuichi shakes his head. He knows what he wants to say but it’s making him cry even more every time he opens his mouth. Kaito’s hand squeezes his shoulder and desperately Shuichi forces himself to speak up, “I just really wanted-- to go to training today, I guess,” and screws his eyes shut despite the fact that he’s already covering them with a hand. What a stupid thing to say when Kaito cancelled training on his behalf. He’s probably not in any state to be working out right now. This is so ridiculous.

There’s a moment of silence. Shuichi doesn’t know what expression is on Kaito’s face right now, doesn’t particularly care to find out. He hears it when Kaito hums, feels a warm hand close around his wrist and pull it away from his eyes. It’s an implicit request, telling him to open them, but Shuichi is almost scared to.

After a moment, he does so regardless. Kaito’s eyes are an intense but warm shade of lilac. Smile lines crinkle along the edges. His eyelashes are remarkably long for someone who acts so overtly macho. His thumb, when it brushes under Shuichi’s eye, is rough. But it’s still warm, and it leaves a tingling feeling when it lifts.

“All you had to do was say the word, sidekick!” Kaito exclaims; a shocking contrast by the gentle look that was on his face just a moment ago. His expression shifts into a wide grin as Shuichi tries to process the statement, wrap his mind around it, but then Kaito’s arm slides around his shoulders and his mind shuts off a little bit. “I figured you wouldn’t want to do training today because you looked like you felt pretty awful earlier, but I guess I was wrong! Harumaki’s tired so I don’t think she’ll be participating tonight-- hope you don’t mind that it’ll just be the two of us, I know you two like each other a lot--”

As Kaito rambles on, Shuichi hears the door click shut behind him, and when Kaito pulls him forward his feet move without him thinking about it. It’s only when he registers the coolness of the tiles underneath his socks that he realises something somewhat important. “Ah-- wait, Momota, I’m not wearing shoes!” Shuichi protests, turning his head slightly towards his door. “I should go back and--”

“No time, bro! It’s getting later and you should be in bed by eleven!” Not a very likely outcome of tonight, but alright. “Don’t worry, training’s in my lab tonight. We’ll do something a bit different since Harumaki won’t be around, a’ight?”

  
“Uhm, that’s all fine and all, but,” Shuichi smiles a bit awkwardly. He has this strange feeling, like he still half wants to cry, and yet it’s impossible to under Kaito’s wide smile. (Also, the prospect of spending time alone with Kaito in his lab is a nice one, admittedly. Even if Kaito pretty much just said he thinks Shuichi and Maki are into each other. On that note,  _ gross.)  _ “I’ll still have to walk through the courtyard in order to get to the main building?”

“Oh. Huh.” Kaito pauses, like this hadn’t occurred to him. “Well, don’t sweat it!” With that, he reaches out and sweeps Shuichi off his feet, and Shuichi attempts to prevent his heart from flying out of his chest, which it is sorely tempted to do. The effort is, for the most part, unsuccessful, and it leaves his face burning. Kaito’s lifted him bridal style, which is… ah. The least he could’ve done was spring for a piggy back ride, or something.

In lieu of verbalising these thoughts, Shuichi stutters something that sounds like, “Oh, okay then,” in a very small voice, and feels the vibrations in Kaito’s chest when he laughs.


	2. Hat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is kind of a personal pet peeve of mine, though no real trigger warnings on this one. i have very strong feelings on shuichi's hat.

Shuichi knows he’s overreacting.

Like, on an intellectual level. Rationally, he understands that someone taking his hat doesn’t warrant any kind of real anger or upset. It’s the kind of thing that he could absolutely just calm down and explain, if he had the spot of mind to do so. Usually it wouldn’t even be a big deal. He doesn’t like lashing out at people. It makes him feel mean. Actually, as a general rule, he finds lashing out at people to be a pretty mean thing, so it’s not an inappropriate way to feel.

This is the thought process that, when he sits down at breakfast and Kaede leans forward, plucking his hat from his head, has him taking a deep breath before he meets her eyes. It’s Kaede, so he’s not going to get too mad about it-- at least, that’s what he figures. Kaede is smiling at him, holding the hat just out of his reach, and her gaze is light but he still wishes she’d give him back his hat so he could hide under it.

(Back at the beginning of the school year, in April, he had a pretty big crush on her. It’s worn off by now, because, y’know, he has  _ other  _ people who he has a crush on, but like. Still. It’s kind of embarrassing to be looked at so heavily without a barrier.)

“Uhm,” Shuichi clears his throat. “Good morning, Akamatsu.”

“Good morning!” Kaede beams, resting the hat in her lap. Why. “You look really handsome without your hat on, y’know?” She tilts her head to the side, as though she’s being sly. Shuichi tucks his own hands in his lap to hide how they twitch when she makes the remark. He knows it’s bad to cling to his coping mechanisms but wearing a hat is a pretty harmless thing? It isn’t one of his more detrimental means of dealing with negative emotion. It’s just a hat, and it helps him avoid eye contact with people when he wants to. There’s nothing wrong with wearing it.

“Thank you,” Shuichi says instead, feeling his face warm a bit despite his annoyance. “Can I h--”

“Oh, c’mon, Saihara,” Kaede pouts a bit. “I’ve never even seen you without it before! It’s October! We’ve been going to school together for half a year already.”

“Read the room, Bakamatsu!” Miu cackles as she passes their table on her way to get toast. “He wants his hat back so that he can stare at your tits without anyone noticing!”

  
“We both know that’s not true,” Kaede says sharply. Miu squeals something unintelligible and walks away. Kaede turns back to look at him, but all of a sudden Shuichi becomes aware of the fact that there are more eyes on him now; people either overhearing Miu’s remark or having already been listening in on his conversation with Kaede. He feels his heart do a strange barrel roll in his chest, but embarrassingly the most prominent emotion that he can really identify is still irritation. “Anyway, why don’t you try not wearing it for a day?”

“Ah, I’d rather not.” Shuichi smiles thinly. “Please give me my hat back.”

Kaede gives him a disappointed look, and it draws out far longer than Shuichi is comfortable with. After a moment, though, she lifts the hat from under the table and passes it over to him.

\--Only for Kokichi to dart in from the left and snatch it from her hand. Shuichi raises his eyebrows, thoroughly taken aback by these events, and watches Kokichi plop the hat on his own head. He looks… ridiculous, actually, like a child in a Sherlock Holmes cosplay, but the thought is so mean that it startles him and he keeps it to himself. This is typical Kokichi behaviour and he shouldn’t get worked up over it.

“Nishishi, pranked!” Kokichi grins. “It’s mine now. Your dumb beta hat is now property of my evil organisation.”

“Very funny,” Shuichi says tightly. He extends a hand. “Ouma, my hat--?”

“Whaaat, didn’t you hear me?” Kokichi bats his eyelashes, innocent, as though unaware of what he’s doing. Shuichi is sure, though, from the gleam in his eye, that Kokichi is  _ very  _ in the know about the implications of his actions. Kaede, at least, was well-meaning. Kokichi is likely trying to provoke him. “It belongs to  _ me  _ now. Sucks to suck, gamer. Hey, you look fine without it, though. Don’t need to snivel all the time. I thought you just had like, really bad acne or something, but your forehead is totally clear! No worries.”

“I  _ do  _ have acne,” Shuichi replies, a tad indignantly. He shakes his head, trying not to get sidetracked. “Anyway, Ouma, I’d really like it if you would give my--”

“Angieeee,” Kokichi calls, pulling the hat from his head and waving it around. “Catch!” He tosses it across the room, over to Angie, who catches the article with a bit of surprise on her face.

“Are we playing keepaway with Shuichi’s hat?” She inquires; apparently, she wasn’t one of the people who was eavesdropping. “Perhaps Angie should give it back--?”

“Ooh!” Tsumugi nabs it from her girlfriend, examines the star lapel on the side. “I’ve always wanted to get a good look at the stitching on this!” She smiles, unperturbed by the glare that Shuichi is unable to stop himself from shooting her way. This is typical of Tsumugi, the either obliviousness or disregard towards how other people are feeling-- she tends to focus so much on things that everything else seems to fade away-- but it doesn’t make it any less annoying and Shuichi can feel a lump building in his throat. “Do you mind if I borrow this for a while, Saihara?”

“Ah!” Kiibo and Gonta walk together into the dining hall. They must have been conversing about something prior to entering, but they stop when they walk in, and Kiibo is smiling. “You aren’t wearing your hat today, Saihara! You look good!”

“And, stressed?” Gonta frowns. “Does Saihara need his hat back? Gonta could run to his room and grab it for him-- oh, Shirogane has it,” Gonta murmurs, more to himself than to Shuichi.

“Shirogane, please just give me my--” Shuichi starts to say, trying to calm himself down before he says something he’ll regret.

“What’s wrong, Cuckhara?” Miu crunches on a piece of toast, seating herself next to Kokichi, who is looking awfully proud of himself the next table over. “You might have some hope of actually getting laid if people can see both of your eyes at once! Maybe not, though,” she adds, snickering. Shuichi bites the inside of his cheek. He needs to stop freaking out and just be civil about this. Levelheaded. Whatever else people tell him he’s so good at unprovoked. This is the worst.

“My hat is better,” Himiko says, lifting her chin slightly from the table.

“Yumeno’s hat  _ is  _ better!” Tenko agrees, far more loudly than she needs to. Himiko gives her a brief annoyed look, but when she turns away she’s wearing a small smile. “Anyway, Shirogane, there’s no point in looking at that dumb hat, it’s probably  _ oozing  _ degeneracy. You shouldn’t have any interest in a male’s hat!”

“Hmm,” Tsumugi frowns, examining the brim of the cap. “Maybe, but I still think it’s cool. Saihara is so edgy, he always pulls it down over her eyes like this,” she puts the hat on her own head and pulls it down over her eyes in a rude imitation of Shuichi’s manner. “I wish I could have the same dramatic detective aura that he has,” she sighs.

“I think his bangs are long enough that he can accomplish that even without the stupid thing,” Kokichi rolls his eyes. “You should just throw it out, y’know?”

“No!” Shuichi slams his hands down on the table, knocking over his cup of water. “Just give it back!” The silence that slips over the room is likely a result of his raising his voice; Shuichi genuinely can’t recall ever doing so with his class in the past. Frankly, whether he has or not isn’t a big deal to him right now. His face feels hot and his heart is pounding audibly in his ears. He wishes they’d all look away from him.

“Jeez, it’s not a big deal,” Tsumugi frowns at him.

“You’re right! It’s not!” Shuichi exclaims. “So you can give it back, can’t you?”

“It’s probably some kinda favour taking it away, isn’t it?” Miu asks incredulously. “Maybe now you’ll stop being such a masochist!”

“Maybe,” Shuichi starts, trying desperately to keep his volume under control. “Or  _ maybe  _ you’ll just make me uncomfortable. Yes, I admit it, it’s a stupid thing to be so defensive over. An article of clothing. Most people wear hats because it’s fashionable. I don’t know, I can’t speak to the majority because I’m not a member. I wear my hat because of stupid self confidence issues that I developed in a situation that wouldn’t have been a very big deal to anybody else and I know it’s a ridiculous coping mechanism but it  _ works for me,  _ it makes me feel more comfortable, and I don’t think you have the right to tell me not to wear it! It’s a fucking hat!”

The kitchen door swings open; Kirumi steps out, wordlessly. She rarely does, during breakfast, because she’s usually busy making enough food to satisfy everybody, and Shuichi would be surprised to see her now, except that his chest is still heaving with all the energy that it took to yell those words. He watches her, in the silence that settles in the wake of his explosion, as she plucks the hat delicately from Tsumugi’s head, moves across the dining hall, and puts it in his hands.

“It’s rare that I hear you lose your temper, Saihara,” Kirumi says quietly. She squeezes his hand, pulling a towel from her pocket and using it to mop up his spilled water. “If I had known it meant so much to you, I would have stepped in sooner.” Shuichi finds it in himself to wonder, vaguely, how much Kirumi can hear from the kitchen.

A brief silence settles over the room when she leaves, but it’s broken by Kokichi, who is smiling-- though it seems strained in a way that Shuichi can’t articulate, and the quality disappears after a moment, such that it might be a trick of the light. “Wow, Mom comes through, huh? What an ico--”

“Drop it, Ouma,” Kaede says quietly. It’s rare for her to tell Kokichi to shut up pretty much ever-- likely because she has this weird attitude about Kokichi, like this desperation to get to know him, to help him, and this is perhaps why he listens, raising his eyebrows at her and widening his eyes. When Shuichi meets her gaze, he sees that her eyes are watery. “I’m sorry, Saihara, that was my fault, I shouldn’t have taken the hat in the first place.”

And then the anger drains out of him, because now Kaede’s on the verge of tears and he has his hat back, sure, but all he’s really accomplished beyond that has been to make his friends feel like shit. Shuichi bites his lip and nods, but the action feels strange, unreal, and he turns around because he doesn’t know what else there is to do, slipping past Kiibo and Gonta (who are still standing near the door) and down the hallway, walking quickly in an attempt to block off the mental image of Kaede’s stricken face.

This always happens. He hates losing his temper. Shuichi inhales and exhales sharply, clutching his hat against his chest. He can’t bring himself to let go of it, but he doesn’t want to put it  _ on  _ either. The thought of going back and seeing them again later with the hat on feels unbearable.

  
(Scratch that, seeing them again later in  _ general  _ feels unbearable.)

Shuichi’s head is down, eyes fixed on the floor, so it’s no surprise at all, really, that he collides into something-- or somebody, rather, because when he stumbles back, a pair of hands land on his shoulders, steadying him, and he looks up, surprised.

“Jeez, Shuichi, watch where you’re walking, man,” Kaito chuckles. Next to him, Maki tilts her head to the side. Her brows raise just the slightest bit. “You good, bro? Harumaki and I said your name, but it didn’t seem like you heard us.”

“Don’t call me that,” Maki glares at him. “You look distressed,” she adds, looking at Shuichi now. Her gaze is shrewd. “Did something happen?”

Shuichi opens his mouth to explain, but instead of speaking, he finds himself bursting into tears. Through them, he sees Maki and Kaito exchanging a brief worried look, and then a pair of arms wrap around him. He knows it’s Kaito because he recognises the feel of the embrace, the sturdiness of his chest and the smell of his aftershave, and because he’s hugged Maki before and she’s far too small and far too cold to hold him so completely. This, Shuichi registers, is a good thing, because frankly it isn’t really Maki who he wants to be hugged by right now.

“Shit, did something happen?” Kaito’s voice rumbles against Shuichi’s forehead. It’s a deep, comforting sound. “Shuichi?”

“Give him a minute,” Maki’s voice cuts in, a tad sharply. “He’s crying.”

“Well, I  _ noticed  _ that,” the exchange makes Shuichi laugh, despite himself, but as soon as the sound escapes him he feels hit with a wave of guilt, because he knows that Kaede is probably still feeling awful and she doesn’t, at this moment, have a pair of arms to cry into-- if only because she won’t allow herself to accept any.

He lifts his face from Kaito’s shoulder and tilts his face to the side, meeting Maki’s gaze. “Uhm, I--”

“You don’t have to explain,” Maki says exasperatedly. “You can just cry for a minute, there’s no rush.”

“N-No, I-- I think that Akamatsu is probably--” he struggles to find the words. “I think I really hurt her feelings just now and I don’t--”

Understanding dawns in Maki’s face. “Right. Got it.” She brushes past them and down the hall. Just before she turns in the direction of the dining hall, she adds over her shoulder, “Not your fault, Saihara,” and disappears.

There’s a silence, which can’t really be called a silence as it is punctuated by Shuichi’s hiccuping, but it is a silence nonetheless. Kaito doesn’t seem bothered to break it, though, consumed as he often is by his thoughts, and Shuichi’s got Maki’s parting words weighing on his mind, so he feels compelled to speak.

“It was, though.” He says quietly.

“What was?” Kaito asks, sounding a bit surprised. He must have gotten distracted by something.

“What happened. It was my fault.”

“Hm.” Kaito considers this; as he ponders, he gently disentangles Shuichi from his arms, and the two of them sit against the wall. Shuichi stretches out his legs and scuffs his heel on the far wall. Kaito sits criss cross applesauce, staring up at the ceiling. “Well, I can’t really agree or disagree with you if you don’t tell me what happened.”

Another silence. Shuichi bites his lip. Kaito is correct. And he should explain regardless, for posterity’s sake. After a moment, Shuichi opens his mouth, and in a fainter voice than he means to explains what happened in the dining hall.

Just as he is wrapping up his story, Kaito bursts out, “Bro, what? That’s not your fault, like, at  _ all. _ Are you kidding?”

“You don’t have to sugarcoat it for me, Momota,” Shuichi averts his gaze and stares at the wall. “I should’ve, uhm, kept my temper in check-- I’ve always struggled with that, ever since I was a kid. You wouldn’t think it because I’m so, ah, reserved all the time, but-- it comes out when I really… anyway. I know that I--”

  
“No, I mean, like,” Kaito holds up his hands, curling and uncurling them in and out of fists as he tries to articulate his thoughts. “You know me, dude. You know I wouldn’t keep it from you if you did something wrong. We all make mistakes, y’know? And you’re my sidekick, so it’s my job to help you improve! I just mean that this genuinely wasn’t your fault. In any way.” Kaito glances over at him. “Not to say that it was Akamatsu’s either-- seems like she was pretty well-meaning, from your telling of it, though personally I don’t see what the big deal is with the hat… I didn’t even notice you weren’t wearing it, y’know?” Kaito grins. “But still, that was definitely on them.”

Shuichi grips his hat. The brim digs into his palms, and the pain makes tears prickle in the corners of his eyes again. “I think Ouma was just trying to help. And I know Shirogane means well, she just doesn’t pick up on social cues like that. I don’t think she realised I was upset until I yelled at her.”

“You make excuses for the people who hurt you a lot, huh?” Kaito tilts his head to the side, nudging Shuichi’s middle. “You said that about your parents too. That they’re busy and probably don’t have the time to take care of you, so you don’t blame them for leaving.” Shuichi winces. “Shouldn’t have brought that up all of a sudden, that’s my bad,” Kaito looks away again, this time over at the wall where Shuichi was staring before. “But you’re allowed to feel angry sometimes, y’know?”

“I shouldn’t have yelled at them like that,” Shuichi says quietly.

“Why not? They wouldn’t have listened to you otherwise.” Kaito shrugs. “Sometimes you have to yell to be heard. And if it’s a matter of anger management, hey,” Kaito grins. “The Luminary of the Stars can help you with that, y’know? That’s what I’m here to do! I can set you on a new training regimen!” He pauses, and his eyes soften just a fraction. “Or we can just talk about it.”

“Ah…” Shuichi bites his lip. He squeezes his hat, trying not to avert his gaze or look down at his lap. He doesn’t want to seem bashful right now but it’s hard not to blush when Kaito’s making that face at him. “Th-Thank you, Momota.”   
  


“You’re so formal, dude,” Kaito chuckles. “You’re my bro! You can call me Kaito, y’know?”

“I can?”

“I thought it was kind of implied?” Kaito raises his eyebrows, getting to his feet. He extends a hand. “C’mon, can’t be late to class! We shouldn’t slack off from our studies, even for a second!”

“Ah, y-yeah,” Shuichi reaches up and accepts the offer up, silently relishes the strength in Kaito’s grip as he’s pulled to his feet. He swallows hard and releases Kaito’s hand. “Can we make a stop by the dorms first? I, uhm, want to drop something off in my room.”

“Huh? Oh, sure.” Kaito nods. “No biggie.”

(Thankfully, nobody comments on the fact that Shuichi’s eyes are a little red when he gets to class later. Or the fact that he’s not wearing his hat-- which is the only reason why anybody can see them in the first place.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kaede did nothing wrong. i'm not trying to vilify anybody else with this one, either. y'all know i don't do that shit. i do know however that sometimes friends are misguided. disagreements happen. shuichi has a temper. it's like that.


	3. Overwork

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings: the victim in shuichi's case is a child. it's kind of upsetting. shuichi is upset too. also overwork is a pretty intense thing on its own.

It’s not that Shuichi has any weird psychological things when it comes to taking breaks-- he takes breaks  _ frequently.  _ Being someone who’s easily overwhelmed, he kind of has to, if he wants to avoid having breakdowns all the time. (And breaking down is frankly Shuichi’s least favourite thing to do, so yeah, he wants to avoid that, thanks.) It’s just that he can never say no to people, ever, and that’s perhaps what his problem is.

Shuichi’s somewhat desensitised to looking at images of dead bodies by now. He’s even examined a few of them like, up close and in person. For real. It’s never a pleasant thing but he’s used to it. He can get through an examination without throwing up. That kind of thing. It starts to get overwhelming when he’s looking at them in large quantities, though. And there’s a certain demographic of people where looking at images of their corpses really tends to make him sick to his stomach.

That demographic being, naturally, children.

His uncle doesn’t usually give him those kinds of cases, though. He knows without having to ask that it’s upsetting. In fact Shuichi knows that his uncle’s gut instinct would be to avoid shoving those things onto him simply by virtue of the fact that he’s a teenager, and his uncle is a lot more protective than he’ll have Shuichi believe. It’s just that his uncle’s work is in such high demand, and he really  _ doesn’t  _ have enough people helping out around the agency, and he’s been having to call Shuichi up a lot more than usual to ask him to work cases.

Which is, like, not a problem. There’s the constant pressure of getting something wrong, of course, but Shuichi’s getting used to that. He’s been the Ultimate Detective for almost nine months now, coming up in January, and he’s had to solve a number of cases that have been assigned to him by people other than his uncle as well. It’s not so much of a big deal to him anymore. And admittedly it helps a lot having Kyoko around, the other Ultimate Detective-- she’s consistently been a good mentor figure for him since he first came to the academy and her brisk manner has helped him calm down significantly when it comes to these things.

What Shuichi’s problem is is that he has maybe too many cases to work on right now? A solid stack of assignments from Hope’s Peak, cold cases he found that he thought he might have a go at, and of course all the things given to him by his uncle. It’s not as though he can say anything about not being able to solve them, either, because his uncle is probably drowning in work right now, and Shuichi’s been ignoring his homework for the past several nights but it’s bound to catch up with him eventually.

He’s been staring at the image of a little boy’s corpse for the better part of an hour, and the dim lighting in the library is absolutely no help at all for his concentration. He thinks this case is from his uncle, but it might be from the school? He can’t recall, frankly, all he knows is that this kid’s case is a locked room mystery. It’s possible that the culprit came in through the ventilation shaft, but Shuichi would actually have to go by the crime scene to check that, and he really really doesn’t want to. If only because going there means going in the kid’s room and seeing his toys and posters and books and thinking about the life that he could’ve lived but will never get the opportunity to now that he’s dead.

Shuichi’s tried moving on to another case a few times, since the first thing they teach you about taking a test in school is to move on to another problem if you’re stumped, but he can’t bring himself to try. It feels like turning his back on this kid, who was brutally murdered in his own room, where he was supposed to be safe.

What happens if he doesn’t solve all these cases? Would he lose his title as the Ultimate Detective? Be expelled from Hope’s Peak? Shuichi doesn’t feel that that’s much of a punishment; too many expectations, too many eyes on him at all times, gossip magazines jumping onto everything he does. He’s not much of an Ultimate Detective  _ anyway,  _ so there’s no big worry about him losing his position. Who cares, really? It could hardly be considered a blow to his self esteem when there’s very little there to begin with.

All that aside, not attending Hope’s Peak anymore means that he wouldn’t be around Kaito and Maki and Kaede anymore. He doesn’t necessarily have a huge problem making friends with people, it’s just that he really likes the friends he has  _ here.  _ They understand things better than other people do. He wouldn’t be able to train with Kaito and Maki anymore if he left Hope’s Peak. Beyond that, his uncle would probably be at least a little bit sad if he flunked out…

The library door swings open. Shuichi looks at his watch with a start. It’s getting closer to dinnertime by now; he’d have thought that most people would be on their way to the dining hall, or else spending time in their rooms. Perhaps somebody needs a book for homework. There aren’t any novels in this library, which are Shuichi’s favourite kinds of books, so he doesn’t care much for this space one way or the other. It’s quiet, though, which makes it good for studying.

The person who enters the library is Kaito, actually. He does a sweep of the room and when his gaze lands on Shuichi, it lights up, his expression spreading into a wide grin. “My student handbook said you’d be in here!” He exclaims, brightly.

“Ah, I carry it around with me,” Shuichi replies, managing a smile. Kaito pulls those out of him with ease. Shuichi watches as his friend takes a seat in front of him, folding his legs and leaning forward just the slightest bit. “Did you need something, Kaito? I’m a bit busy right now, but I--”

“Yeah, no kidding,” Kaito scoffs, looking down at all the folders. “You’re surrounded by shit.” He picks up one of the files, leafing through it. “Jesus,” he mutters, tossing it back down onto its respective pile.

“I solved that one a few hours ago,” Shuichi says wryly, his smile now more a result of the incredulous look on Kaito’s face than anything else. “Brutal, isn’t it?”

“Your notes are so messy,” Kaito remarks, opening another folder and flipping through the pages. “How can you even read them?”

“I’ll type them up later in detailed case reports,” Shuichi leans against the bookshelf behind him. His back really hurts. He could be doing all this in his lab, but working in his lab tends to put him to sleep because it’s so warm in there. The musty smell of the books should lull him too, but the basement has always been a bit drafty. It keeps him awake. “And, ah, I was there when they were written,” he adds. “So I typically know what’s in them.”

“You can remember all this shit?” Kaito raises his eyebrows. “You’re pretty remarkable, Shuichi.”

Shuichi averts his gaze. His cheeks are warming; a typical reaction from him whenever Kaito gives him a compliment, but for some reason a lump rises in his throat along with the colour in his face. “Not… really, actually,” he says quietly, looking down at the picture that he’s been staring at for so long. The victim’s face is peaceful and unmarred. He could be sleeping, really. Shuichi bites the inside of his cheek. “I’ve gotten through those cases, but I still have so many more to do.” He gestures at his other stack, the taller one. The cases he hasn’t done yet. “I’ve hardly made a dent in my workload, to be honest.”

“Huh.” Kaito is quiet for a moment. “Y’know, you seem kind of stressed out.”

  
_ I  _ am  _ stressed out,  _ Shuichi thinks, but he doesn’t say it aloud. Instead he nods, closes his eyes briefly and rests his head against the book shelf. He can’t see it when Kaito reaches out for him, but he feels his hair being brushed out of his face, a hand gently ghosting his cheek before retracting. When Shuichi cracks his eyes open, Kaito has a strange look on his face.

“Your, uh, hair was in your eye,” Kaito explains. He coughs into his hand. Shuichi nods slowly and prevents himself from reaching up to touch his cheek in the place where Kaito’s hand brushed against it. He can do that later.

And! He’s getting distracted from his work. Shuichi jumps a bit with the realisation, scrambling to sit up properly again. The file in his lap spills off onto the floor, the papers in it scattering across the several piles. He curses under his breath and reaches out to gather them, being careful not to crinkle any of the pages. Kaito helps, a lot less scrambly than Shuichi does, and gently pushes a stack of papers into his hands when they’re done.

As Shuichi sorts through the papers, trying to get them back into the right order, he comes across an image of the victim’s room-- something that he was trying to avoid. The kid did little league baseball back when he was alive, and on the nightstand in his bedroom there’s a framed photograph of him and his team. It’s difficult to see in this picture, but Shuichi imagines that in the photo, he’s beaming, arm and arm with his friends. Full of life.

He closes the folder and rests it in his lap, trying not to cry. He’s already cried in front of Kaito a bit  _ too  _ much. It’s difficult, though, because his eyes are burning and his teeth clatter when he doesn’t grind them; all signs that he’s going to start crying in a moment here.

“Shuichi?” Kaito is frowning. Shuichi’s not looking at his face right now. He becomes aware of this fact when he hears the tone of Kaito’s voice. The way it’s affected. Kaito has always been terrible at masking his emotions. At least, Shuichi has always thought so.

“Sorry,” Shuichi says quickly. He relaxes his hand from its fist and pushes the folder away. Can’t crumple the evidence and cry all over it. “I just-- I can’t get past this case, and the victim is a little boy, and I can’t-- what if I can’t solve it? I have so many other cases to work on but I can’t move past this one. If I don’t solve it, will his killer just walk away free? I--”

“Okay, stupid train of thought, if you ask me, since you  _ are  _ gonna solve it, but that aside,” Kaito pauses. “I think you should take a break, Shu.”   
  


“I can’t,” Shuichi shakes his head. “I have too many cases to work on, if I slack off they’re just going to keep piling up.”

“It’s not slacking off, it’s just doing a mental reset. Come eat dinner, train, get some R&R. Browse memes like you always do instead of sleeping.” Kaito rolls his eyes, and Shuichi covers his mouth with a hand, not sure if he wants to sob or laugh. “You’ve been staring at it for too long and I know you’re a perfectionist so you’re not gonna be able to work on anything else until you finish this. Take a break and come back to it tomorrow. No one’s gonna hate you for taking care of your health.”

Shuichi looks down at the file. He’s being irrational. The kid doesn’t get any less dead if he rests for twelve hours. Even so… he feels like he’s doing the boy an injustice somehow. Not working on this as hard as he should. His stomach rolls over. “But…”

“No buts! This isn’t an optional thing. It’s break time. And you’re my sidekick, so you gotta listen, y’know?” Kaito grins, picking up the folder that Shuichi was just working on and placing it on top of the stack of unfinished cases. “Tomorrow’s Sunday. No classes. You can crack down on these cases then, yeah? It’ll be fine if you just leave them here, I don’t think anybody’ll come and steal them or anything.” As Kaito muses, he gets to his feet. Shuichi stares up at him for a moment. “I’m serious, dude, it’s not the end of the world. You need to eat something. My grandma would freak if she saw how skinny you are.”

At this, Shuichi can’t help but laugh a bit. “My aunt has a similar reaction.”

“And you don’t heed her?” Kaito raises his eyebrows in mock offense. “You don’t drink enough respect women juice, bro.” Shuichi finds himself laughing again. When he reaches up to cover his mouth, he finds a couple tears that have escaped his eyes. He wipes them away. Kaito’s right. At the very least, he should eat some dinner and then come back here after he’s done. When Kaito offers him a hand up, he reaches up to take it.

The arm that rests itself around his shoulders is warm. Shuichi wonders how Kaito manages to be so steadying all the time. He half wants to close his eyes and lean into his side, maybe stay there forever. He doesn’t know. It seems appealing to him right now.

Instead he lets Kaito lead him to dinner, and afterwards when he’s finished he goes back to his room and falls asleep in bed. The next morning he figures out his next course of action on the case, and solves a couple more after that one. Kaito is usually right about these things, anyway.


	4. Abandonment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings: no real abandonment in this chapter. just shuichi being anxious. pretty typical stuff. abandonment issues suck.

Shuichi is alone in the courtyard, waiting, when he realises that there probably isn’t going to be training tonight.

They wouldn’t skip a single night ordinarily, since that’s just the way that Kaito is, but considering that Kaito left to do some astronaut training with JAXA this morning, there isn’t much of a reason to come. Shuichi and Maki (and more recently Ryoma, though he doesn’t always come) have never been particularly good at taking the initiative with things. It’s not that Shuichi forgot that Kaito wasn’t here today because he absolutely noticed his absence throughout the school day. The class was as rowdy as usual, but he still felt this gaping hole where Kaito should’ve been at his side, spouting platitudes or making up stories.

Still, he figured that they’d be training tonight. And now that he’s out here, he doesn’t particularly want to go back inside. It’s a bit too chilly to take his jacket off if he’s not going to be working out, so instead Shuichi just takes a seat on the ground, gazing up at the sky. Whatever Kaito is doing at JAXA right now, he’s probably actually seeing the stars. Planning on heading up to visit them.

(To conquer them, that’s the way Kaito worded it. He sees everything in that way; like a battle he just hasn’t fought yet. Shuichi wishes that his mindset was less passive, so he could be a little bit more like Kaito. He doesn’t particularly want to be so fiercely competitive, but there’s an appeal to it, the thought of having a bit more enthusiasm for things, as opposed to doing them because someone else asked him to. There are many things worth admiring about Kaito, though, so there’s no use dwelling on it.)

Shuichi wonders if Kaito misses the stars when he looks up at the sky and sees it empty like this. He knows the stars are still there, he just… can’t see them. The thought makes him sad, deep in the pit of his stomach, for reasons that he can’t articulate. He’s never truly seen the stars before, so he can’t truly miss them, but… Kaito has. He’s seen them. He’s probably intimately familiar with them to the point of being able to recall what it’s like when they’re there, and to mourn when they’re not.

They never talk about it. Kaito’s sadness, or anything like that. Or even really Kaito-- Shuichi knows that, just like him, Kaito’s parents aren’t in his life. But did they die? Did they leave? The times when he’s asked, or come close to, Kaito’s changed the subject, and it’s not as though Shuichi wants to  _ force  _ him to talk about it, so he hasn’t been insistent about it. Not that he’s ever insistent about anything. But perhaps he should be? It’s one thing to respect someone’s boundaries, it’s another to let them keep hiding from their problems. Maybe Kaito has people who he opens up to, it’s just not  _ Shuichi.  _ Is it really okay to assume that and not do anything about it, though?

Beyond that-- and perhaps this is for selfish reasons; Shuichi doesn’t pretend to be selfless all the time, it would be a big lie to pull off-- he kind of wants… to be there for Kaito. He wants to be someone who Kaito can rely on, in a real, tangible way. Their friendship feels so one-sided. Kaito’s constantly there for Shuichi, all the time, no matter what’s happening, and Shuichi… it’s not that he hasn’t tried to be there, it’s that Kaito hasn’t let him-- only Shuichi hasn’t really  _ tried  _ all that hard. He could be more insistent if he wanted to. Sure, it would make him uncomfortable, but Kaito is… worth braving a little bit of discomfort, isn’t he? That’s what their friendship has been thus far?

The rest of the week passes by without Shuichi’s notice, though this isn’t to say that it passes quickly, because it’s the opposite, actually. A good portion of it he knows he spends staring off at the clock on the far wall of the classroom, watching the minutes tick by until class is to end. He doesn’t recall much else, only the buzzing loudness from his class that he’s learned to brush off after years of dealing with them.

Also, they do train every night after that first one. Maki approaches him during lunch the day after Kaito leaves and says that they should still keep in practice, so that Kaito isn’t disappointed when he returns. Well, she doesn’t say  _ that.  _ She says something more like,  _ he’d be annoying if he came back and found out we haven’t trained at all,  _ and then adds under her breath,  _ plus, Ryoma hasn’t trained much and I’m worried about him doing well in the upcoming practicals if he doesn’t show some kind of growth,  _ and so the three of them go down to the courtyard every night. The familiar regimen of a hundred pushups or situps isn’t much to Shuichi anymore. He’s sure Kaito will set them on something more difficult when he returns, though.

When Kaito returns. Shuichi’s been thinking about it perhaps too much. This isn’t typical for him.

His crush on Kaede spanned throughout April and May, lasting up until late June and then petering out by the time July arrived. He had summer vacation to gather his feelings, and on his birthday in September, right before school was back in session, Kaede dropped by his house with a cupcake and a new mystery series to celebrate his turning sixteen, and Shuichi had the shocking realisation, looking at her from across the table in his uncle’s dining room, that he didn’t have any fluttering in his chest anymore when looking at her. Just the pleasant warmth that accompanied his interactions with all of his friends.

None of his crushes since Kaede have lasted so long. He crushed on Kokichi for a couple weeks over the summer and abruptly stopped, and when school started up again he was brutally aware of how  _ nice  _ Gonta’s smiles were, and he kind of crushed on Kirumi and Rantaro at the same time-- though that was more of an admiration kind of thing because they’re two attractive people who are dating each other-- and for a few days he was really  _ really  _ eager to listen to Korekiyo talk about whatever anthropological thing that was on his mind--

But regardless, all of these crushes have been short-lived. All of them except for Kaito.

He’s kind of always been  _ in  _ to him, at least in an aesthetic sense. The guy’s got warm hands, and he’s a lot more touchy feely than one would expect, and his smile is brighter than the sun or something because every time it comes out Shuichi feels his face warming up. He didn’t really start fully, genuinely crushing on him until mid-September, though, and after that he didn’t develop any crushes on anybody else. He expected it to wear off with enough time spent suppressing it, like he’s done in the past, but it… hasn’t? Really?

And then for a while he thought the issue was that he was just seeing Kaito too frequently to lose feelings, but it’s been a week since they’ve seen each other and practically all Shuichi’s been able to think about for the past two days has been Kaito. That and the infuriating rowdiness of his classmates, but it’s nothing he’s not used to.

He’ll have to confront his feelings eventually. He really just wishes that Kaito were here, though. Even Rantaro’s been here for the past week (though for the most part his presence hasn’t been all that noticeable, as most of his time he spends with Kirumi, or else being coerced into helping Kokichi and a begrudging Gonta carry out some kind of prank) and it’s made Kaito’s absence even more starkly obvious, if that’s possible.

Shuichi knows it’s irrational but he can’t help thinking sometimes about his earliest memory; the only memory he has of his parents, beyond the movies and interviews he’s seen with them. (The ones he secretly watches somewhat frequently, late at night on an incognito tab because even though nobody has any way of finding out that he does it he still just doesn’t want to take any chances.) He remembers how his mother’s hand felt in his. It was large but he was so small back then, it probably wouldn’t be all that big nowadays. Her hands were cold, like his are now. Bad circulation runs in the family, he supposes.

His father’s face was scratchy when he kissed Shuichi on the forehead. Somewhere in the back of his subconscious Shuichi memorised the heated arguing from the other room while he sat in his uncle’s kitchen, drinking a juice box. His Aunt Mei was making food and it smelled sweet but he couldn’t stop focusing on the sound of his uncle’s voice, how it almost raised several times but relaxed itself again over and over.

And after that he never saw his parents again. For a while Uncle Akifumi allowed Shuichi to entertain the notion that perhaps his parents might come back for him one day, but those fantasies died after a while.

It’s not that Shuichi thinks Kaito would leave him in such a permanent way. He just wonders sometimes if he’ll come back to the school, after a break or after a training or something, and decide that he actually doesn’t want to be close to Shuichi anymore. It happens all the time. People grow apart. It’s not really something that he should be so worried about, since if it happens, there will be nothing he can do to stop it. But thinking about it still makes him feel sick to his stomach, and yet he can’t stop.

Shuichi finds himself sitting in the cafeteria long after it’s supposed to be closed on the night that Kaito is to come back. Everyone is asleep by now but the silence feels stifling, and the cup of tea that Kirumi made for him has gone cold by now. There’s a blanket, too, draped on the back of the chair, but he doesn’t want it. He feels like if he pulled it over his shoulders, he’d probably just fall asleep, and that would be something of an inconvenience. He’s not even sure why he’s staying up, since Kaito will likely be going to his room first and foremost, but nonetheless. He keeps getting lost trying to count the tiles on the ceiling and having to start all over again.

He’s on his tenth run through the tiles when the door opens and shuts behind him. Shuichi doesn’t turn. He takes a sip of cold tea and listens to the sound of footsteps, heavy and echoing, as whoever it is approaches him. It’ll be another student, not a faculty member. The dining hall is supposed to be closed right now, yes, but they’re not all that fussy about the rules here, not towards Ultimates. Beyond that, Kokichi broke the locks months ago and they haven’t bothered to try and fix them, so… that speaks for something.

“You look like a painting, or somethin’,” Kaito’s voice remarks behind him. Shuichi suppresses a smile when he turns his head around. He’s not wearing his jacket at all, has it hooked over his shoulder with a finger-- in fact Kaito isn’t wearing the school uniform right now, but rather a JAXA t-shirt under a white button down and a pair of jeans. Slippers too. Always with the slippers. Shuichi briefly wonders if a pair of velcro shoes would be a good birthday gift for him and has to stop himself from smiling a second time. “What’re you doing here so late?”

“I could ask you something similar,” Shuichi says quietly, taking another drink of his tea. The flavour is fine but it’s not pleasant cold. He should go make himself some more, or something, but he doesn’t feel particularly inclined to leave his spot. “It’s past midnight, shouldn’t you be going straight to bed?”

“I checked my handbook when I entered the premises,” Kaito shrugs. “Saw you were in here. Got curious. You good, man?”

  
“I was thirsty,” Shuichi replies. It’s a lie and both of them know it, but for some reason Kaito doesn’t comment. Perhaps it’s owed to the hour, but Kaito’s gaze is very soft right now. Shuichi has to avert his own. He finds himself doing that a lot. “How was, ah, the training? What did you do?”

“It was awesome!” Kaito enthuses, grinning. The quiet energy in the room seems to shift somewhat, as though the flickering yellow lights in the dining hall are brightening with Kaito’s smile. “We did a  _ lot--  _ it would take some time for me to explain it all to ya, but it was worth my time for sure. That’s a tall order, y’know,” Kaito adds, in case Shuichi doesn’t already grasp this fact. (Another smile twitches at Shuichi’s lips and he realises he doesn’t have any real reason to hide them away.) “‘Course, I’d’ve liked to have you and Ryoma and Harumaki with me, show you guys some of the ropes of what I do, y’know? But that probably wouldn’t be allowed,” he chuckles. “I’ll find a way to bring you guys to space someday, once I’ve conquered it first!”

Usually these kinds of things make Shuichi have to shove down the urge to laugh, but again perhaps because of the hour, he doesn’t doubt that one bit. After a moment, though, the eye contact gets a bit too overwhelming and Shuichi ducks his head, pulling his sleeves over his hand to wipe the tears from his eyes.

Kaito sounds startled, “Woah, you okay? Did something happen while I was gone?”

“No, nothing happened,” Shuichi says, shaking his head. He can’t help smiling when he looks back up again, meeting Kaito’s eyes and holding eye contact, just this once. “I just missed you, that’s all.”


	5. Panic attack

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings: shuichi has a panic attack in this one. also they talk about car accidents.

In all honesty, it’s something that Shuichi should be happy about.

Perhaps in the middle of class isn’t the best time to be reading the news. It’s a silent work day today though, and he misremembered the due date on the assignment they’re all working on right now so he finished the whole thing last night, so he doesn’t have anything to do. Which means his phone came out. Usually he’d just browse memes but he wants to have a good amount to look at on his Tumblr feed tonight when he’s in bed and inevitably not sleeping, so he goes to read the news instead. There are several articles he doesn’t really care about-- feel-good stories are sweet but they usually make him sad unless he’s already feeling sappy, and he doesn’t care much about what the police are doing nowadays-- but the headline of a particular article catches his eye, and he can’t help clicking it.

Of course, his immediate thought is that it’s someone else who just happens to share the same kanjis in their name, but… when he scrolls down and sees the title picture, he has to tap the power button and slam the phone down onto the desk, closing his hands into fists, because it’s not, in fact, someone with the same kanjis in their name. It’s not even a common name, so really thinking as much in the first place is… silly, but…

He’s surprised it took so long to happen, to be honest, considering the circumstances under which this man committed murder. Any jury would hear the guy’s story and think,  _ well, I don’t want to put this guy in prison forever.  _ Shuichi knows that if he was on jury duty, he’d be more inclined to sympathise with the culprit. (He would’ve regardless, had he had all the information in the first place.) And he shouldn’t be upset because it’s only what’s fair. This is really how it should be. If anything the jury was just amending his mistake, so… he should be grateful.

Still, that brief glimpse he caught of the man’s face… Shuichi closes his eyes and tries to block out the mental image, but after a moment it resurfaces regardless; the burning anger lining that man’s face as he was being taken away by the police. Shuichi will likely never see him again, not in person or otherwise, but even so… even so, he…

“Saihara,” Shuichi opens his eyes and notes that Kaede is leaning over towards him. She sits next to him in class, so it’s only natural that she would be. She’s whispering, but her eyes are joined by Kaito’s, and behind them by Maki’s, and Shuichi swallows down the lump in his throat. “Are you okay? You look upset.”

“I--” he sucks in a sharp breath of air, trying to compose himself so that he can answer Kaede properly. He has no reason to be upset by this but his hands feel cold and clammy all of a sudden, and his heart is pounding painfully hard in his throat, and he knows the prickling in his eyes is because there are tears there but he doesn’t think he’d be able to cry right now if he wanted to. He can’t really even breathe properly. “It’s--”

“I think he’s hyperventilating,” Maki says quietly. Shuichi can’t make himself look at her-- or any of them. He looks down at his hands, curls them into cold, stiff fists atop the desk. “Maybe we should take him outside. I don’t think he wants to freak out in front of the whole class,” even more softly, she adds, “is that fine, Saihara?”

He wants to answer her but he feels, like, physically unable to put words into sentences. A humiliating choked noise leaves his throat instead and he closes his eyes. Hears the scratch of someone’s chair against the floor, quiet footsteps approaching. A hand lands on his shoulder and he starts, shoving it away and pushing backwards. Nearly crashes into the wall behind him. When his eyes open he meets Kaito’s, registers the shock (and slight hurt? Though maybe he’s reading it wrong because he’s never seen Kaito look hurt before) on his friend’s face, and swallows down the panic that bubbles in his throat.

“Sorry,” he forces out. “Sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-- please don’t touch me,” he whispers, trying to convey to Kaito that it’s not his fault, he didn’t do anything wrong, he just really-- his skin feels like it’s crawling. Or perhaps that’s simply his heart. Regardless he wants to tear one of those out. The feeling has got to go. Shuichi feels as though he’s going to throw up.

“Don’t stress, bro,” Kaito replies softly, but his eyebrows are still awfully contorted, and Shuichi wonders distantly if perhaps it isn’t hurt but worry that makes his face look like that. He keeps a steady distance away, stands there uncertain, as though he wants to move forward but figures he shouldn’t.

Shuichi swallows a couple times. “I-- I need to, to get out,” he manages. Understanding flashes across Kaito’s face, and presumably Kaede or Maki’s too, but frankly Shuichi can barely see  _ Kaito,  _ so for all he knows the other two don’t even exist anymore. Which he knows on some level is unfair to them because they’re trying to help too but he’s so beyond the point of coherent thought right now. Kaito hovers at his side as he struggles to his feet, but thankfully doesn’t make any attempts to guide or touch him at all, just accompanies him to the door and holds it open for him. Shuichi hears it, from far away, when Kaito say something, but he’s not speaking to Shuichi so it doesn’t register in his mind what is being said.

The hallway is colder than the classroom but Shuichi’s vision is still swimming in and out. Perhaps because he still isn’t really breathing. He sways on his feet but catches himself on the wall, and then with no reason to stay up, eventually just sinks down to sit on the tile. He hears the soft click of the door closing.

Kaito sits in front of him, and Shuichi realises they’re alone out here.

“Sorry,” Kaito says, his mouth twitching at the corner. “Harumaki and Akamatsu stuck behind to keep everyone and their mother from following you out. You’d think those assholes would have a little more tact or somethin’, y’know?” He scoffs, glancing off to the side. “Fuck.”

“I understand,” Shuichi murmurs, smiling weakly. He pulls his knees in to his chest, feeling the panic that overtook him in the classroom subsiding a little bit under the darker, blue-tinted lights of the hallway. Kaito’s profile is striking, especially when his eyes narrow as they are now. He’s all sharp lines and contrast, but his eyelashes are long and his eyes are soft. Shuichi wonders how many people actually get close enough to him to see as much. There’s a tiny scar across his left temple. Thin and pale but for some reason very noticeable in this moment. Shuichi has never seen it before.

And perhaps it’s just because everything feels so off kilter, but for some reason he doesn’t stop himself when he reaches out to brush it with his fingers. If Kaito is startled by this, he doesn’t show it; he only turns his head just the slightest bit, gaze landing on Shuichi again and his eyebrows raising.

“Ah,” Shuichi realises what he’s doing and pulls his hand away. “S-Sorry.”

“Don’t sweat it,” Kaito shakes his head. He smiles, though he seems too pensive for it to truly be a throwaway thing. Shuichi bites his lip. “Really, no big deal. It’s an old scar, anyway. All good heroes have scars, y’know?”

His grin feels weird. Wrong. Shuichi rests the back of his head against the wall. “How did you get it?” He asks quietly. Kaito gives him a vaguely searching look but eventually pulls away his gaze. He rests his chin on a bent knee, absentmindedly tracing the scar with his own fingers. He doesn’t appear to have to think about it, which makes sense, considering that he must’ve had it for a long time.

“Car accident. I must’ve been what, eight or nine, back then?” Kaito hums, furrowing his brow. He doesn’t seem upset, merely thoughtful, as though his largest concern right now is remembering how old he was when he got the scar. Shuichi swallows hard. “It was a while ago, so my memories of what happened are pretty fuzzy.” He shrugs. Like this is some casual, every-day thing, and not the first bit of real information he’s ever actually given Shuichi about his background. “It’s why I live with my grandparents, though.”

He almost doesn’t want… to ask. But for some reason he does anyway. “Does that mean that your parents…?”

“Yeah.” Kaito is being so, so impossibly flippant about this, Shuichi doesn’t know how it’s possible. His parents stood up and left, and that’s the worst, but they’re still in the world. Shuichi can remember their voices, their mannerisms, from the videos he’s watched, the newspaper articles he’s stalked that feature them. Kaito’s parents died so long ago… he probably wouldn’t recognise their voices if he heard them today. The thought has a pang of sadness shooting through Shuichi. “Whatever. Any story worth telling has a little bit of tragedy to it.”

  
“No, I don’t think that’s right…” Shuichi laces his fingers together, busies himself staring at his hands so he doesn’t have to meet Kaito’s gaze. “I don’t think sadness is a prerequisite to a story being worthwhile. I think that more hinges on… on who the protagonist is.”

Kaito looks at him for a moment, and then smiles. “You’re a bit better with words than you give yourself credit for, y’know.”

And all of a sudden Shuichi realises why Kaito’s being so calm talking about this, what must be such a delicate thing for him to discuss; because Shuichi himself is so, so scattered, he has to be put together. He’s not going to break down discussing something when Shuichi’s calming down from a panic attack. Which begs the question of why Kaito’s even disclosing this information to begin with, but the answer to that one is obvious. Like Kaito would say no to him right now. His hands shake and he clenches them together so hard they start to hurt, just a little bit. Has Kaito ever, in his life, showed a little bit of weakness to anybody?

Once again, Shuichi feels himself beginning to slip away as tears roll down his cheeks. His effort to stop them from falling is pathetic and ineffective. He hates sobbing audibly, it makes him feel awful, but regardless of his attempt to muffle the sound by shoving his hands over his mouth, the sounds are escaping.

He’s not sure what he’s crying over now, if he’s crying over Kaito or the killer being released from prison or any other multitude of things he has to cry over but the specifics don’t matter and there’s nothing cathartic about these tears at  _ all,  _ he just feels horrible and weak and he wants to disappear into the wall or at the very least just stop crying. Kaito’s never cried once, not that he’s seen, and he’s lost himself to his tears  _ so many times,  _ it’s a wonder that Kaito doesn’t think he’s weak.

“Shuichi,” Kaito’s voice sounds strained. “Can I hug you?”

And because his skin isn’t crawling anymore and he knows that he desperately wants, needs even, to feel Kaito’s arms curling around him, he nods, trying still to quiet his sobs until they disappear into nothing. All the sticky, gross feelings disappear just the slightest bit when Kaito moves forward, and as he allows himself to lean completely into the embrace, choking on a sob, he feels Kaito’s arms squeezing him around the middle, and loses all will to hold anything back anymore.

(Regardless of how terrible it feels, the knowledge that he’s accepting this comfort even though he hasn’t been able to give anything in return.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't know how the justice system works in japan and i don't have the energy to research. if it wasn't clear the dude shuichi pinned in the case that tanked his self confidence got let out of prison. that's why shuichi was panicking.


	6. Unhelpful

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings: none, but kaito's self esteem issues are rough

Late February has always been a stressful time of year for Shuichi. It’s no exception at Hope’s Peak. Sure, their practical exams are over and done with, and they all get to stay Hope’s Peak Academy students for another year. That’s phenomenal. There are still  _ finals,  _ though, and it isn’t like there’s a huge emphasis on those being passed here, but Shuichi still tries to. Which means a whole lot of studying has to happen in late February if he wants to do well on the tests.

It’s not so bad, though. He and Kaito have been studying together a lot recently-- which Shuichi suspects is more for his own benefit than it is for Kaito’s, as Kaito is smart enough academically that he’ll probably just ace the exams regardless, but that doesn’t make it any less nice-- and it’s… well, he and Kaito spend a lot of time together, like, one-on-one, because that’s sort of what best friends do. During winter break, for example, Kaito came over while it was snowing to take him sledding and Uncle Akifumi insisted that he stay for dinner, so that was pretty cool. (They don’t live all that far apart, actually.)

But it’s somewhat different now mostly because a lot of their study sessions together have been… spent in silence. Even in the days before Maki and Ryoma joined their trainings and it was just the two of them, the workout time was usually filled with chatter. From Kaito’s end, naturally, since Shuichi isn’t all that talkative and Kaito always has so much to say. Most of their time together is filled with talk. Shuichi had been under the impression that Kaito’s somewhat… uncomfortable, with silence. That isn’t a problem-- like, Shuichi would be a major hypocrite if he was the type of person to judge people for what makes them uncomfortable. And besides, he likes the sound of Kaito’s voice.

It’s just that Shuichi can’t help thinking that maybe Kaito’s comfort in the quiet of their sessions means he’s getting more comfortable, like truly comfortable, around Shuichi. The thought makes him giddy in a way that is difficult to articulate. Kaito makes him feel that way a lot.

Tonight is no exception to this. They’re studying in Shuichi’s room today, since Kaito’s room is a cluttered mess and it’s difficult to concentrate and people keep interrupting them if they try to go anywhere else. Kokichi could conceivably pick the lock to Shuichi’s room and waltz right in here, but since the hat incident Kokichi’s been somewhat nicer to Shuichi-- perhaps he’s been keeping it up for this long because he doesn’t know how else to say sorry. Regardless, the peace is appreciated. Shuichi would never have the courage to say it aloud, but he cherishes these moments with Kaito.

Shuichi flips through the pages of his textbook, scanning for the important details in the text (history is his worst subject; it’s just so boring and there’s so much memorisation of facts… ughh…) but as he writes down a couple facts, he can’t help glancing at Kaito for what is perhaps the millionth time tonight. He’s finished up all the studying he wanted to do tonight already, but he’s still here, reading through one of Shuichi’s books. Shuichi suspects that he’s staying because he wants to be able to assist in the event that Shuichi doesn’t understand anything. It’s a courtesy that is greatly appreciated, even though Shuichi would honestly rather die than ask.

He likes watching Kaito read. It’s stupid and weird and Shuichi feels just the slightest bit creepy but not nearly enough to want to stop. His brow furrows a bit depending on what’s on the page and sometimes he mouths to words to himself. He’s not a very fast reader (Shuichi is much faster) but he’s diligent. Takes his time to memorise details. It’s a level of care that Shuichi perhaps wouldn’t see coming from Kaito. But Kaito is a lot more careful than people think he is. He’s just quiet about it. It’s not one of the things he boasts about all the time.

After a while, Shuichi looks back down at his textbook, smiling to himself, but he only gets halfway through the next page when he is interrupted again.

“Hey, Shu, can I ask your opinion on something?” When he looks up, he sees that Kaito’s closed the book. He marked the page, but he’s still holding it. Shuichi wonders if he’s imagining the way that Kaito’s hands shake when he grips it, because the effect vanishes a moment later.

“Ah, sure,” he uses his pencil to keep his page in the textbook, pushes his notebook to the side, and turns so that he’s facing his friend. Kaito doesn’t meet his eyes. “What is it?”

“Do you think, uh, Ryoma’s doing okay?” He sounds odd. Rather, there’s something off about the way his voice lilts. Not a typical thing for Kaito. Shuichi tries not to frown as he considers the question. Ryoma’s seemed normal recently-- if anything he’s seemed to be doing somewhat better since starting training. He did well on his practical too. Shuichi wonders what the purpose is behind Kaito’s concern.

“Uhm, I thought so, but,” he tilts his head to the side. “I could be wrong-- why, have you noticed something?”

“Nah, it’s not that,” Kaito shakes his head, chuckles, but the laugh sounds forced, and Shuichi can’t stop himself from frowning this time. “I just-- damn, I dunno. Doesn’t seem like anything I’ve done has really helped him much.”

Huh. Shuichi rests his chin on a hand, looking out the window. It’s dark outside, but he can see the yellow glow from streetlamps in the distance. It might snow tonight. “I haven’t gotten that impression at all, Kaito, I’ve always thought that you’ve made a huge impact on how Hoshi regards himself, even if it’s not obvious all the time… recovery is a very slow thing, so the fact that things haven’t been happening instantaneously doesn’t mean that-- uhm, Kaito?” Shuichi turns back to look at him with a start when he hears Kaito make a choked nose. His face is turned away, and he’s covering his mouth with a hand, but…

“Sorry,” Kaito mutters. “I shouldn’t be bringin’ this out with you, you’ve got enough going on.” His voice is muffled because he’s covering his mouth, but Shuichi can still make out what he’s saying. He’s always been rather articulate. Shuichi bites his lip. “I’m just worried that, uh, shit,” he drops his hand into his lap but Shuichi still can’t see his face well enough to judge his facial expression. “That I’m not, really, helping.”

“I…” Shuichi doesn’t know what to say to that, because he’s always felt like, out of everyone in his life, Kaito is the  _ most  _ helpful. The most caring. Even if he doesn’t show it in the traditional way. He has this habit of dragging people out of the dark periods in their lives and bringing them into better times. The thought that Kaito’s actions are in any way not helpful is laughable.

“I feel like, with you and Harumaki and Ryoma-- I mean, I call you guys my sidekicks, but you’re-- you’re not, really. It’s more like I’m the sidekick, y’know?” He laughs again, but Shuichi doesn’t think… it sounds very much like a laugh. “I’m not really as helpful as I pretend that I am.”

“Kaito,” Shuichi steadies himself on his desk. “Why are you… that isn’t--”

Kaito, Shuichi realises belatedly, is crying.

The fact that he’s turned almost entirely away from Shuichi isn’t an excuse for his lack of an earlier realisation. The thought makes his heart lurch and he stands up, taking a few steps over to where Kaito is sitting on his bed and reaching out a hand. It occurs to him that Kaito might not want to be touched, though, and so he falters, trying to figure out how to ask the question. It’s just four words, it shouldn’t be all that difficult, and yet… Shuichi isn’t  _ good  _ at this stuff. No matter how often he sees a person break down in tears, or they confide in him about their deep felt insecurities, he still… never knows what to do.

And he needs to wait to ask permission, because he knows that sometimes when he’s crying he  _ hates  _ to be touched, but… Kaito’s covering his face with a hand, still turned away, as though he can’t bear to be seen right now, and he just… he looks so deeply fragile and it’s so different from how Shuichi’s always seen him, he doesn’t know how to cope with it.

He rests a light hand on Kaito’s shoulder, light enough that it could easily be shrugged off if needed. Instead, though, Kaito turns towards him, finally. His knuckles are white with how hard he’s pressing his hand against his mouth. And despite the fact that there are tears streaming down his face, he’s not making a sound.

Gently, Shuichi reaches out to tug his hand away from his face.

Kaito ducks his head, whispers something that sounds vaguely like an apology, and then Shuichi forgets everything else, reaches out to tuck him into an embrace. The worlds out, ceases to exist, actually-- there’s nothing, nor has there ever been anything, in existence aside from the two of them. That’s alright by Shuichi, right now. He’s sure they’ll talk about it later. Maybe Kaito won’t want to, and obviously if he’s not ready then Shuichi’s not going to force him, but…

He should be more proactive about this. In his arms, Kaito’s face is buried in his shirt. Perhaps he has no intention of reemerging again. Kaito would and has done the same thing for him. Even if he didn’t want to do it, it would be owed.

(When Shuichi runs his fingers through Kaito’s hair, it’s a bit crusty from his hair gel, but the roots are soft. He’s never touched Kaito’s hair before, actually. Kaito’s so tall, and the times they’ve embraced Shuichi’s been able to press his face into his shoulder, or even on occasion his neck, and that’s been it. It’s a different kind of intimacy than he’s used to, but he likes it… quite a lot, actually.)

“Sorry, Shuichi,” Kaito mumbles after a while. Whether or not his crying has subsided is subject to debate, but his face is still pressed into Shuichi’s chest. His voice is muffled but Shuichi can still hear him. And he feels the words in his sternum. “I never really wanted you to see this-- this part of me.”

He tilts his head to the side, just a little bit, and Shuichi sees the watery (warm) lilac of his eyes. Peeking up at him. The anxiety there, it’s so unfamiliar and yet so familiar at the same time. Shuichi leans down and kisses him, lightly, on the top of his head. “I’m interested in seeing all parts of you, Kaito.”

\--It is, of course, the truth. Not that that needed to be specified, though. It probably goes without saying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> boy! this one was hard for me to write. y'all i was Struggling
> 
> love these two though, it was weird writing shuichi angst again it's been so long.... how did this happen to me lol, i've forgotten who i am. i've forgotten best boy
> 
> anyway uhhh what. uhm. kaito has a rough time at all times my dude. he deserves the world. and mayhaps even... a detective bf..... who loves him....
> 
> they deserve each other
> 
> this'll be the last one shot (EDIT: NOT A ONE SHOT. IDK WHY I SAID THAT. i wrote this all at once though so maybe that's why. the last all completed work i post all at once is better phrasing) from me for a while if i don't need to vent or anything, i really have to work on the oumeno gift exchange + my multi chapters + amasai week so yeah
> 
> oh! amasai week! it's coming up from march 16th to march 22nd! participate!! it'll be fun :)
> 
> idk what else to say. these two dudes man. they're neat :)
> 
> thanks to nebby webby, and colourful void (+ the other people on the fwc discord) for helping me with this/listening to me rant. ik i'm the worst to talk to when i'm writing fic. anyway sayonara see y'all in an update of some fic or another

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Anxiety's a Bitch](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25705918) by [ChubuPeng](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChubuPeng/pseuds/ChubuPeng)




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